Open Letter to Senators Richard Burr and Elizabeth Dole
Dear Senators Burr & Dole:
As a natural-born American citizen and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which is being debated this week in the United States Senate. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me because I paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Also, as a natural born citizen I seem to be saddled with the burden of following all of the laws of this nation. Illegal aliens have the luxury of ignoring all of those laws, including those governing driving, murder and burglary. That sounds like a fine set-up for me.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Sincerely,
Your Consitituent,
Bruce Carroll
Charlotte, NC
(Note: This letter was adapted from a similar letter emailed to me from a friend. My apologies for not noting that when I first posted it.)
12 Comments »
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You don’t even have to pay a fine and become a citizen. You’ll be legal once the bill is signed with all the rights and priveleges herein. All citizenship gets you is a certificate suitable for framing and it changes which box you select on job applications.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — June 7, 2007 @ 6:16 am - June 7, 2007
Oh and you’ll get offers from MM, who’ll be fawning all over you, to come pick his cherries in New Fallujah. At least you won’t be a racist, xenophobic bastard anymore.
And maybe HardHobit will take pity on you and have you mow his yard for $2/hr. Hang out at the Home Depot for better offers.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — June 7, 2007 @ 6:19 am - June 7, 2007
Hey, Bruce. I think I got a job for you.
Viva la Reconquista!
Comment by Linda Chavez — June 7, 2007 @ 7:15 am - June 7, 2007
This comment has been deleted for violating community terms of conduct. Personal attacks on authors and commenters will not be tolerated. Labeling people as “bigots” due to policy differences is unacceptable.
Comment by Michigan-Matt — June 7, 2007 @ 9:05 am - June 7, 2007
As long as these seasonal migrant workers are legal residents, or are here legally during their time of employment, and have documentation supporting such, I have no problem with that.
Comment by Pat — June 7, 2007 @ 9:42 am - June 7, 2007
Wow. From Matt’s opening sentence, any commentor “around here” who Matt doesn’t see eye-to-eye with on immigration, is “neo-Nazi”, “Nativist” and “Know Nothing” by definition. I didn’t know!
I love the added touch, of the ol’ “just kidding” dodge.
Just kidding.
Let me make say this specifically: There exists some number of illegal immigrants, including some migrants, who get free medical care from our hospital emergency rooms.
Pretty uncontroversial, eh? Or it ought to be. I haven’t cast any good-bad aspect on it yet (or on any of them). But - I’m a “bigot” now, LOL!
Comment by ILoveCapitalism — June 7, 2007 @ 10:03 am - June 7, 2007
It’s good to see you’re back. The letter, while a little tongue and cheek, does raise a legitimate point.
However, THIS patriot would never trade his US citizenship for anything, even a temporary basis to make a fast buck.
Comment by Chase — June 7, 2007 @ 2:11 pm - June 7, 2007
Buy another stamp. Send third copy to your President Bush. After all, he can veto the legislation, right?
Comment by sean — June 7, 2007 @ 2:49 pm - June 7, 2007
That is OUR President Bush sean & no he does not get the rubber stamp approval from conservatives that leftists always insinuate.
He is WRONG as are all the others who support this illegal immigrant amnesty program & WE WILL FIGHT HIM accordingly.
Comment by Good vs. Evil — June 7, 2007 @ 5:49 pm - June 7, 2007
I hope you don’t mind if I point out that the letter is not exactly original. Versions of it have been floating around the blogosphere for several months.
Comment by vaara — June 7, 2007 @ 10:58 pm - June 7, 2007
I hope you don’t mind if I point out that the letter is not exactly original.
What? Do you want a cookie? So what?
Comment by ThatGayConservative — June 8, 2007 @ 2:07 am - June 8, 2007
Does the word “plagiarism” mean nothing to you? Even when Joe Biden is not involved?
(I suppose I’ll be banned now. Nice knowing you.)
Comment by vaara — June 8, 2007 @ 2:20 am - June 8, 2007